Monday, September 24, 2012

Hint Of A Whisper







The first time I heard the voice I was outside.  Just a hint of a whisper but enough to make me hesitate in the middle of hanging the wet clothes out to dry.  The hair on the back of my neck stood on end and goose bumps rippled up my arms as I heard it again...

"Sally."

Just one word floating on the wind, but enough to chill my blood.  I hadn't felt that scared since Tommy put a spider down my back last year in fifth grade.  I pulled my thin sweater closer to me and hugged my arms to my chest as I slowly looked around the back yard.  I knew there was no one out back but me and yet I had to be sure.

"Sally."

There it was again.  As if that spooky voice knew I was there and was wanting me to search for it.  I lay Pa's overalls back in the wicker basket and turn toward the back of the house.  There, at the top of a set of old stone steps, was a padlocked door.  Pa always told me there was nothing behind that door, just dust and debris that comes with any old house around here.  But then why was there a padlock on it?  Was it to keep someone out or to keep something inside?

"Please, Sally, help me."

Was it my imagination or was the voice coming from the other side of that door?  Pa always threatened to tan my hide if I was to even look at that old staircase, much less try to see what was in that room, but that voice...that hint of a whisper voice was calling to me again and it sounded like it came from behind that door.

Leaves crunched and crackled under my worn out shoes as I stepped closer to the staircase.  Glancing around one more time to make sure Pa was still inside listening to his radio programs, I slowly made my way to the bottom of the stairs.  The railing scratched at my skin as I gingerly put my foot on the bottom step, not really sure if I was brave enough to make it to the top.  Maybe it was better to leave whatever was behind that door alone.  Maybe Pa was right and it was just dust and debris in there.  Maybe it was just my imagination and the wind playing tricks on me.  Just as I was about to turn away from the stairs, I heard that voice one more time and I knew just what I had to do.

"Sally, don't you want to know why he locked me in here?"


18 comments:

  1. Oh Donna...I would definitely want to read this...now I am going to be thinking about it for the rest of the night. :)
    What will she find behind the padlock?

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    1. Hi Vivian! I came across that picture less than an hour ago and I immediately began to day dream this story...and I wondered if ANYONE would care to read it...;~)

      Thanks for stopping by and come back any time!

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  2. Donna,

    Love where this is going, yes, we want to read the story. "Came across that picture and immediately began to day dream this story!" AWESOME! a word that doesn't come near to hitting the nail on the head.

    More, please!

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    1. Hi Yolanda! Most of my stories typically begin with my coming across some picture on the internet or something I see on my way to work that triggers a phrase or an idea or a character and I try to write it all down as fast as I can so I don't forget them! I'm glad you like it...

      Thanks for stopping by and come back any time!

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  3. Gasp. I was totally intrigued even before I read that last sentence. That's the one that literally made me gasp out loud. YES, I would read more. Write it. Get it published. I'll be in line to buy one of the first copies. You can paint a scene with your words so vividly. I could hear the crunch of the leaves under her feet. I could feel her sense of eeriness, nervousness, and curiosity. I could see the whole scene playing out in front of my mind's eye.

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    1. Hi Beth! You flatter me with your kinds words but my little writer's ego sure loves hearing them...;~)

      Thanks for stopping by and come back any time!

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  4. I thought this was very cool!! My only suggestion would be to make the age of the protag clear as soon as you can. The image of hanging wash immediately brought to mind a wife/mother. Even when she laid Pa's overalls down, I had that image of a grown woman so entrenched in my mind that I instantly just thought she was caring for her elderly father. Of course, it didn't take too long for me to figure out that this is a young girl speaking, but I think the piece would be even more intriguing if I'd known right away. I was thinking maybe something like:

    "Sally."

    Just one word floating on the wind, but enough to chill my blood. I pulled my threadbare sweater closer to me and hugged my arms to my chest as I slowly looked around the back yard. If my papa caught me just standing around instead of doin my chores, he's whup my butt. But still I stood, frozen.

    You know what I mean? That way we instantly get that this is a kid speaking.

    Also, watch the voice. Some parts of it sound like a young girl but then other parts, like: "As if the disembodied voice knew I was there and was beckoning me to seek them out" sound much older, because a kid wouldn't generally speak like that. So then I thought maybe she was a teenager.

    So, that would be my only small nitpick with this piece, that I can't quite tell the age of your protag. But, even with that, I'd totally keep reading. The last line is KILLER. Nice job. Are you planning on expanding this or is it just a short piece? Also, sorry about the critique. I can't seem to help myself. I swear I missed my calling as an editor. haha

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    1. Hi Tamara! No need to apologize for your constructive critique....when I'm caught up in the writing it's like a movie playing inside my head and I'm trying to write things down as fast as I can so I don't lose the moment. When that happens I sometimes make those kind of mistakes but can't really "see" them until someone with more skill (like yourself) points them out to me...THEN I can go back and sharpen things up. If you re-read the passage you will see that I changed a few details so hopefully people will be able to tell Sally is around
      12-13 years old. I'm glad you like this and I'm hoping to expand it into a short story for a magazine submission...

      Thanks for stopping by and come back any time!

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    2. VERY nice. This is way better. Those few details really brought the voice in this piece alive. LOVE IT!!!

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    3. Thanks, Tamara...I tried...and I really appreciate your comments...it helped me to understand what you were seeing as a reader...

      Thanks for stopping by and come back any time!

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  5. OMG! I tell you anything with Donna Martin on it is worth reading for sure. Just let me know when it's due out, infact give me the editors name so I can book my copy...lol. It's brilliant Donna, keep going. Such great discriptive piece, had me from go!

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    1. Lol, Diane, I'm beginning to think you are my writing's number one fan...;~)

      I think I am going to expand this into a short story or maybe a wee bit longer...a novella...but it's finding the time to write it down and now I have soooo many different stories to work on, which do I chose to work on first? ;~)

      Thanks for stopping by and come back any time!

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    1. Lol, Genevieve...did I scare you? ;~)

      Thanks for stopping by and come back any time!

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  7. Thanks a lot. That is creepy. Two things: I DO want to know why IT was killed. And tell patientdreamer that I am your number one fan. Don't mislead her like that.

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    1. Lol...I meant number one fan OTHER than you, Janet! ;~)

      Thanks for stopping by and come back any time!

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  8. Replies
    1. Hi Susanna...that's saying a lot coming from you...I'm honored!

      Thanks for stopping by and come back any time!

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