If you are a writer, you know what it feels like to try to put together a query for your latest manuscript. On GUTGAA this morning there was a chance for some people to get critiques from Deana Barnhart. While I was not one of the lucky people to get a critique, there is a blog hop for any one who wants to come visit and critique my query and first 150 words in my own blog. Since it's MY blog, I thought I would put up TWO queries. Feel free to take a shot at either one...
Soooo...here it is query ONE:
Donna L Martin
Oh No, Moe!
Picture Book
397-word count
Moe, the mouse, tries every year to win Tarry Town’s annual
Halloween costume contest so he can ride in the parade. He just wishes his costumes would stop
playing tricks on him. One year
his dragon tail gets caught in the door and he misses the judging. Another time his mane is too long and
he tears his mask. He even tries
going as a monster but he is too scary.
This year Moe has the perfect plan to win first prize!
Oh No Moe! Is a 397-word holiday tale for children ages 4
through 8 about one mouse’s journey in his search for the perfect Halloween
costume.
All the mice in Tarry Town scurry
around, squeaking with excitement.
The
annual Halloween party is just three days away. The winner of the costume contest
will ride in the town’s Halloween parade. The mice know what they are going to
wear. Every
mouse that is, except Moe.
Moe digs around in his closet
looking for the perfect costume.
He really wants
to win this year.
Three years ago, he was a dragon.
His brother, Teenie, said, “Oh no,
Moe! Your tail got caught!”
Two years ago, he was a lion. His sister, Queenie, said, “Oh no, Moe!
Your
mane’s too long!”
Last year he was a monster. His other sister, Mary, said, “Oh no,
Moe! You’re
too scary!” Moe
doesn’t know what to do. How will
he ever win the costume
contest?
Finally, the day of the party
arrives.
Here is query TWO:
Donna L Martin
The Warriors Three
Middle Grade Boy
Adventure
9,500-word count
Nine-year-old Nathan
wishes he were brave like his friend Billy or outgoing like Alex. All three
boys want to compete in their school's martial arts tournament. But Nathan doubts
himself and is afraid his friends will tease him if he loses. When Nathan and
his friends devise a plan to earn the entrance fee money by delivering books to
their library's annual book drive, they soon run into trouble being able to
make good on that promise. Teamwork finally gets the books delivered and the
day of the tournament arrives. But as each of Nathan's friends miss out on
first place, his fledgling confidence is shaken until Master Hargis, his
instructor, reminds him the value of believing in himself. The only thing
standing in the way of victory is Nathan’s inability to unleash the warrior
within him.
THE WARRIORS THREE, a
9,500-word middle grade boy adventure, is loosely based on real events and
tells the tale of friendships, competitions, and the power of believing in
yourself.
Chapter One: Krutch Park
Large oak leaves swirl down,
showering the three boys with bursts of red, yellow,
and brown as they race each other to Krutch Park. Reaching the monkey bars first, Billy
lets out a shout of victory before pushing his shaggy blond
hair out of his eyes. He
glances over his shoulder at the others as they run to catch
up to him.
“I told you I would beat you guys!"
“Awww, you got a head start, otherwise I would have left you in the
dust,”
replies Alex.
His hair matches the rust on the monkey bars.
“But, Alex, he always wins this race,” Nathan says as they scramble to
the top.
The three boys started coming to Krutch Park on Saturdays ever since the
summer Billy convinced the others there was buried treasure
at the bottom of the sandbox
dominating one corner of the park.
I don’t think I know enough about picture books to give you a good crit on that, so I’m going for the MG (which I know more about, but not tons).
ReplyDeleteNine-year-old Nathan wishes he were brave like his friend Billy or outgoing like Alex. [ You can delete “All three boys want to compete in their school's martial arts tournament. But Nathan doubts himself and is afraid his friends will tease him if he loses.” this restates what is said in the first sentence] When Nathan and his friends devise a plan to earn the entrance fee money by delivering books to their library's annual book drive, they soon run into trouble being able to make good on that promise [Why and how?]. Teamwork finally gets the books delivered [how?] and the day of the tournament arrives. But as each of Nathan's friends miss out on first place, his fledgling confidence is shaken until Master Hargis, his instructor, reminds him the value of believing in himself. The only thing standing in the way of victory is Nathan’s inability to unleash the warrior within him.
THE WARRIORS THREE, a 9,500-word middle grade boy adventure, is loosely based on real events and tells the tale of friendships, competitions, and the power of believing in yourself.
The main thing I am noticing from the pitch is that it sounds like you have two stories. The first one is about boys trying to get money to enter a contest, the second one is about boys trying to win the contest. The trick will be to make that into one strong story thread to sell.
Chapter One: Krutch Park
Large oak leaves swirl down, showering the three boys with bursts of red, yellow, and brown as they race each other to Krutch Park. Reaching the monkey bars first, Billy lets out a shout of victory before pushing his shaggy blond hair out of his eyes. He glances over his shoulder at the others as they run to catch up to him.
“Told you I’d beat you guys!" [Kids use contractions a lot. “I’d” rather than “I would.”]
“Awww, you got a head start, otherwise I would have left you in the dust,” [Consider revising this so that it isn’t “I would have.”] replies Alex. His hair matches the rust on the monkey bars.
“But, Alex, he always wins this race,” Nathan says as they scramble to the top.
The three boys [change “started” to “have been”] coming to Krutch Park on Saturdays ever since the summer Billy convinced the others there was buried treasure at the bottom of the sandbox dominating one corner of the park.
I can’t wait to see what happens. Thank you for sharing. Good luck!
Hi Liz and welcome to my blog! Thank you for taking a stab at my MG query. I would return the favor but I don't write in your genre and don't feel I would do it justice. It DOES sound like an interesting story line however and I wish you luck with it!
DeleteThanks for stopping by and come back any time!
I think you could leave out the word 'three' in 'the three boys'. I think it reads smoother and the exact number isn't crucial.
ReplyDeleteI think you could leave out 'each other' in 'they race each other'.
Billy
lets out a shout of victory before (this is telling, not showing; could be improved by showing)
You could improve the scene by having some huffing and puffing after the run: show their tiredness.
'ever since the summer Billy convinced' while it might come out later, this really doesn't tell us how long they've been coming to the park. Could be more specific. They're pretty young already.
Hope this makes sense and is meaningful to you.
Hi Richard! Thank you so much for your input. I am slowly getting the hang of writing query letters...like wine, I hope to improve with time...;~)
DeleteThanks for stopping by and come back any time!
I wish I could comment on your two queries, but the genres are beyond me. I do want to wish you the best of luck in GUTGAA! Go Moe!
ReplyDeleteTrish
Hi Tricia and welcome to my blog! That's okay, I have seen so many fine queries so far in genres I know little about other than reading an occasional book from them so I do the only intelligent and respectful thing I CAN do...keep my opinion to myself! ;~)
DeleteThanks for stopping by and come back any time!
Hi Donna! MG isn't my genre, but I'd like to leave a comment about the pitch for your PB, OH NO, MOE!
ReplyDeleteAre the costumes really playing tricks, or is that a play on words? I like the premise that the costumes are "playing tricks" on him, rather than Moe just being accident prone!
I think you can leave out the commas for Moe, the mouse,...just Moe the mouse reads fine.
Instead of saying "one year" and "another time", I would recommend tying the sentences together, something like, "The first year his dragon tail got caught in the door and he missed the judging, and last year his monster costume was so scary that it scared everyone away!" I don't think you have to include all three situations in the pitch; they'll read that later in the MS.
Anyway, those are my suggestions! Best of luck, Donna! :-)
Dana
Hi Dana! As for whether the costumes are playing tricks on poor Moe...THAT would be left up to an illustrator's imagination I suppose, but I certainly like how you think! I'm going to need to tweak these pitches and I will keep in mind your suggestions. Thank you for your kind words...
DeleteThanks for stopping by and come back any time!
Hi Donna
ReplyDeleteI really like the premise of Oh No Moe, its very cute. My only suggestion would be, because Moe is a mouse, it felt like his sister should say, Oh No Moe, you are not very scary, when he is trying to be a monster, to follow the theme that he has failed with the other two costumes.
Just a suggestion and best of luck with it, I can visualise it and I think it will be a great book. Cheers Julie
Hi Julie! What a great catch about the monster costume! Of course it should be like that...why didn't I think of it? Lol...good luck with GUTGAA!
DeleteThanks for stopping by and come back any time!
These both sound great. I have nothing for your first Pitch, it's right on the money. For the second one I have edited it down to this:
ReplyDeleteNine-year-old Nathan wishes he were brave like his friend Billy or outgoing like Alex. All three boys want to compete in their school's martial arts tournament. BUT THE BIGGEST OBSTACLE FOR Nathan IS SELF-DOUBT AND HIS ABILITY TO UNLEASH HIS INNER WARRIOR.
Good luck getting an agent!
Hi Todd and welcome to my blog! I have to do some revising on both queries and I will certainly keep your suggestions in mind. Good luck with GUTGAA!
DeleteThanks for stopping by and come back any time!
Hi Donna,
ReplyDeleteI actually thought that was a really strong query--with the exception about delivering the library books. That part seemed to interrupt the flow of the query. I was thinking you might do better just sticking to the main plot. Maybe something like:
Nine-year-old Nathan wishes he were brave like his friend Billy or outgoing like Alex. All three boys plan on competing in their school's martial arts tournament. Only Nathan doubts himself. He’s afraid his friends will tease him if he loses. But, when the big day finally comes, each of Nathan's friends miss out on first place. His fledgling confidence is shaken until Master Hargis, his instructor, reminds him the value of believing in himself. The only thing standing in the way of victory is Nathan’s inability to unleash the warrior within him.
THE WARRIORS THREE, a 9,500-word middle grade boy adventure, is loosely based on real events and tells the tale of friendships, competitions, and the power of believing in yourself.
So, that's my two cents. I liked the first 150 a lot. Good luck with this! I'd love it if you could swing by my blog and take a look at mine--I need all the help I can get. :)
Hi Tamara! I like what you have done to the query...I will certainly keep it in mind as I finalize things...;~)
DeleteThanks for stopping by and come back any time!
Hi Donna!
ReplyDeleteI'm taking a poke at Query #2, The Warriors Three.
I would remove the sentence, "Teamwork finally gets the books delivered and the day of the tournament arrives." The sentence before that tells us there is trouble in the making and by keeping that sentence removes some of the tension and suspense.
In the first 150 words, the only things that took me out of the story were:
1. "...you in the dust,” replies Alex." The word replies just sounds odd (to me) in a MG book.
2. I would remove, or move to a new sentence, the last part of the last sentence, "dominating one corner of the park." It makes the sentence extra long and little cluncky sounding.
I hope you get this published soon because my 8 year old son will fall in love with it. He has a group of friends and he LOVES martial arts!!!
Hi there! Thanks for your input...I'm still revising and trying to get ready for the pitches. Thanks for you kind words...from your lips to a publisher's ear...;~)
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I love that you write such a variety of stories. I enjoyed both pitches. Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteHi Terri and welcome to my blog! Did I mention I also write young adult fantasy, poetry, and essays as well? ;~)
DeleteThanks for stopping by and come back any time!