If you are a writer, you know what it feels like to try to put together a query for your latest manuscript. On GUTGAA this morning there was a chance for some people to get critiques from Deana Barnhart. While I was not one of the lucky people to get a critique, there is a blog hop for any one who wants to come visit and critique my query and first 150 words in my own blog. Since it's MY blog, I thought I would put up TWO queries. Feel free to take a shot at either one...
Soooo...here it is query ONE:
Donna L Martin
Oh No, Moe!
Moe, the mouse, tries every year to win Tarry Town’s annual Halloween costume contest so he can ride in the parade. He just wishes his costumes would stop playing tricks on him. One year his dragon tail gets caught in the door and he misses the judging. Another time his mane is too long and he tears his mask. He even tries going as a monster but he is too scary. This year Moe has the perfect plan to win first prize!
Oh No Moe! Is a 397-word holiday tale for children ages 4 through 8 about one mouse’s journey in his search for the perfect Halloween costume.
All the mice in Tarry Town scurry around, squeaking with excitement. The
annual Halloween party is just three days away. The winner of the costume contest
will ride in the town’s Halloween parade. The mice know what they are going to
wear. Every mouse that is, except Moe.
Moe digs around in his closet looking for the perfect costume. He really wants
to win this year. Three years ago, he was a dragon. His brother, Teenie, said, “Oh no,
Moe! Your tail got caught!”
Two years ago, he was a lion. His sister, Queenie, said, “Oh no, Moe! Your
mane’s too long!”
Last year he was a monster. His other sister, Mary, said, “Oh no, Moe! You’re
too scary!” Moe doesn’t know what to do. How will he ever win the costume
Finally, the day of the party arrives.
Here is query TWO:
Donna L Martin
The Warriors Three
Middle Grade Boy Adventure
Nine-year-old Nathan wishes he were brave like his friend Billy or outgoing like Alex. All three boys want to compete in their school's martial arts tournament. But Nathan doubts himself and is afraid his friends will tease him if he loses. When Nathan and his friends devise a plan to earn the entrance fee money by delivering books to their library's annual book drive, they soon run into trouble being able to make good on that promise. Teamwork finally gets the books delivered and the day of the tournament arrives. But as each of Nathan's friends miss out on first place, his fledgling confidence is shaken until Master Hargis, his instructor, reminds him the value of believing in himself. The only thing standing in the way of victory is Nathan’s inability to unleash the warrior within him.
THE WARRIORS THREE, a 9,500-word middle grade boy adventure, is loosely based on real events and tells the tale of friendships, competitions, and the power of believing in yourself.
Chapter One: Krutch Park
Large oak leaves swirl down, showering the three boys with bursts of red, yellow,
and brown as they race each other to Krutch Park. Reaching the monkey bars first, Billy
lets out a shout of victory before pushing his shaggy blond hair out of his eyes. He
glances over his shoulder at the others as they run to catch up to him.
“I told you I would beat you guys!"
“Awww, you got a head start, otherwise I would have left you in the dust,”
replies Alex. His hair matches the rust on the monkey bars.
“But, Alex, he always wins this race,” Nathan says as they scramble to the top.
The three boys started coming to Krutch Park on Saturdays ever since the
summer Billy convinced the others there was buried treasure at the bottom of the sandbox
dominating one corner of the park.